Moods

i'm hurt, i'm lost, i'm upset, i'm pissy, i'm madder than a mother fucker and if you want to throw any *other* emotion up there, then please, by all means, be my fucking guest. But frankly, i don't give a flying fuck because these are MY fucking emotions and i'm entitled to feel however i damned well *want* to feel at any given point of time in my life. i've had a pretty fucking shitty past few days and i have found myself, once more, keeping everything bottled up inside of me. Why? because i am so fucking afraid i may hurt someone else's feelings, or that i may say the wrong thing and the person(s) might take it wrong, or i may piss someone off, etc. Everything is always about how everyone *else* feels. Well, what the fuck ever happened to how *i* feel, dammit? Why is it that i refuse to take my own feelings into consideration and express myself more openly? Why is it that i feel like i need to be this robot, who has no heart, no feelings, no emotions, no NOTHING..... other than a strong will to get over whatever it is that's ailing me..... all by myself, and not let anyone know how i'm really feeling?Well, screw all that shit. For now, i'm going to wallow in all these fucking emotions i have so wonderfully allowed to play a part of my wonderful fucking day. And the pisser of it all is....... i'm truly mad at MYSELF. Not anyone ELSE. cuz ultimately, i LET them get to me. i LET them play on my emotions. i LET them hurt my feelings. i gave them the POWER to make me feel like a total piece of shit and that all my decisions are WRONG or UNJUSTIFIED. so, i have no one other than MYSELF to blame and right now... as Richard Gere said in the movie 'Pretty Woman'... i am very ANGRY..... but the anger is pointed..... at ME... at MYSELF, not anyone else.So, tomorrow's a new day and i'll fucking get over it, like i always do and will go on with my merry little life, being that sweet girl my mother always told me i should be.i just had to get this off my chest, cuz the real problems lay deep inside of me and that's where they're going to fucking stay. Why? cuz that's how i handle things. i can't bring myself to take the chance of making someone else feel badly. It's just not *me*.*laughs* Yes, color me insane today, cuz that's how i'm feeling. A straight jacket would be a warming and most welcomed gift should you dare to bring one over. i'd find more comfort in *it* right now, than i would in anything else. ok, maybe a cage :)No worries, though. i'm fine, truly i am. i just needed to VENT.~ gemma ~P.S.. on top of everything else, my sister just contacted me to let me know a friend of mine committed suicide and her funeral is today. Well, now doesn't *that* just go to show you that things can be much worse, and i should be thankful and count my blessings? Reminders...... we need them.... each and every day.